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Excerpted from Jack Riepe's blog...very funny guy.

Please read the questionnaire below, choose your answers carefully, submitting the results in the commentary section that follows. Submit only the letters that correspond to your answers. (For example, 1A, 2A, 3C, etc.) The recommended bike for you will appear in an answer from the author within 24-hours.

The Questionnaire:

1) When taking a morning ride, your destination is most likely:

a) Another continent

b) To the WaWa, Dunkin Donuts, Sheetz, or other gas station (within 11 miles) where you will have coffee, polish the chrome, and stand around looking tough, before repeating the process three more times that day.

c) Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house

d) A quaint little coffee house that has fairly current European newspapers and organic raison cookies, about 40 miles from home.

2) When taking a long weekend run, the first thing you want on the back is:

a) Nothing that would impede my bike from a 46° degree lean, on a tight curve, at 84 miles per hour. (Besides, my girlfriend has her own bike.)

b) Tattooed pillion candy who can rest her hooters on my shoulders to keep my eyeballs from vibrating out of my head.

c) A cocker spaniel in a special kennel that has its own stereo and DVD player.

d) A “Kindle” loaded with the complete works of Willa Cather, A Cultural Guide To Amish Quilts, and “How To Say ‘Hello, It’s Great To Meet You’ in 75 Languages.”

3) When thirsty:

a) You sip lemon flavored water from a tube that leads to a container on the back, precluding you from having to stop more than once every 500 miles, or roughly the equivalent of a tank of gas.

b) You must have an ice cold beer in the skull of your vanquished enemies.

c) You look for an old fashioned ice cream soda, from one of those places next to an antique mall, where you can get your picture taken wearing period clothing.

d) Your preference is for unsweetened ice tea, in a place where no one will ask you questions about your ride, handy to a recycling receptacle for your cup.

4) When stopping for the day:

a) You are not particular, as long as the hotel has a decent restaurant featuring fresh dungeness crab, 7 IPAs on the bar list, 24-hour room service, and waitresses in the breakfast area competing for top prize in a lingerie modeling contest, in addition to free wireless connections that are three times faster than light.

b) You prefer the campground that is off the road, in an area avoided by the local police, where the only rules prohibit human sacrifice and taking a shit in the drinking water.

c) You really don’t care as you are towing a pop-up camper with a bidet, a billiard table, an observatory, and a foldout leather couch.

d) You look for a bed and breakfast with a nice room where you can fall asleep looking at your parked bike, and wake up pretty much the same way.

5) When gearing up for a ride, you:

a) Wear full ballistic gear capable of containing a shotgun blast through the crotch, or full racing leathers with a six-inch diameter leather porthole for uncoiling the apparatus when taking a piss.

b) Wear leather vest and an armor-plated cod-piece to protect the only irreplaceable part of your body.

c) Step into highly fashionable Bermuda shorts and a shirt with a pocket to hold your mentholated cigarettes.

d) Choose a complete ensemble from LL Bean, including a classic Allagash/Moose River motorcycling necktie, with matching handkerchief (with micro-stitching for removing bugs from your LL Bean sunglasses).

6) Upon reaching the Grand Canyon:

a) You have sex with your partner, standing up, still wearing your leathers or ballistic gear, because you plan to have sex again in the warm Pacific, 5 hours later.

b) You take a piss over the canyon’s rim while your buddies video the whole thing for YouTube.

c) You immediately look for 50 other bikes with pop-up campers so you can exchange pictures of your garden back home with other riders.

d) Your view of the canyon is marred by worry about that strange fucking noise you hear (like marbles in a can) whenever you give the bike the gas. (Ducati riders please choose alternate answer below.)

e) Your view of the canyon is undisturbed because you remembered to pack extra cylinder heads and a starter motor.

7) You are in trouble for taking a leak and leaving the toilet seat up:

a) You respond by taking a piss in the kitchen sink.

b) You respond by taking a piss in the kitchen sink, but first removing the dinner dishes.

c) This question does not apply to you because your bike has a urinal in the side bags.

d) You fall to your knees to beg forgiveness and agree to wear a toilet seat around your neck for a week, in addition to promising to sit whenever you piss for the rest of your life.

8) When pulled over by a cop who says, “I waited all morning for you,” your response is:

a) “I tried to get here as fast as I could.”

b) “I used to butt-fuck a guy about your size in prison.”

c) “Well officer, I didn’t want to be late for the weekly Rotary lunch.”

d) “Yes sir. I was speeding... And my inspection sticker is overdue too.”

All answers are strictly confidential, until the results are published in the "TW" comments section. If you are absolutely delighted with your motorcycle, recognizing its precise balance of power, speed, and comfort — plus it’s ability to get you laid about 99% of the time — please check the most appropriate answer below.

9) Optional -- I have no complaints because:

a) I ride a BMW K75, or other BMW, so no further explanation is necessary.

b) I ride a Harley Davidson, so fuck you and all your smart-assed facts.

c) My Goldwing feels really good on my hemorrhoids.

d) The Vespa is highly underestimated as the perfect metrosexual statement.

e) Someday my bike may be regarded as “iconic” too, but for now, I’ll settle for a copy of one of the above trendsetting four.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2011

Posted by Jack Riepe at Wednesday, February 02, 2011
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