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I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'


Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.


A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.


I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’



I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??
The answer I should have given was “Fiji”
 
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