Tool definitions - BMW Luxury Touring Community
 
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post #1 of 3 Old Jun 3rd, 2006, 12:05 pm Thread Starter
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Tool definitions

Tool Definitions

Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Aviation Metal Snips:
See Hacksaw.

Vise-Grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

Zippo Lighter:
See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack:
Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers:
A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone:
Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Trouble Light:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
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post #2 of 3 Old Jun 3rd, 2006, 4:09 pm
 
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Talking

Funny funny stuff! Thanks!
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post #3 of 3 Old Jun 4th, 2006, 8:49 am
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Good one1
Couple more:

Adjustable wrench: Used to round off nuts and bolts. That is the second best application for this tool. Best is as a hammer substitute.

Allen Wrench Set: Invented by someone named Allen. No known use other than to rust.

Arc welder: Used to cause temporary blindness. Also can be used to weld tools to a vice. Best use is to thaw frozen water pipes in the far north.

Sawzall: Best demolition tool ever. Can be used to destroy anything in short order. Most excellent vibrator, keep away from the girl friend.

Cement Blocks: Used to prop up cars when you take the wheels off to do brake or suspnsion work.

Budwieser: Essential refreshement needed to perform any maintenance task.

WD40: If it's supposed to move but doesn't, this should be your first course of action. Can also be used for a very long list of other applications

Duct tape: If its not supposed to move but does, use this, if it still moves, you didn't use enough, apply some more.

Tool box: Best used to stand on to get a better view or easier reach. Can Also be used as a substitute for a cement block.

Creeper: Excellent tool to use to take a nap oout of sight under something. Also can be used as a buggy to transprt heavy objects, does not do well on gravel.

Magnet: Cool device to make nuts and other parts stick together. Can also be used to pick up small parts you dropped just out of reach. Doesn't need duct tape to keep it from moving.

Die Grinder: Better than a wire wheel in some cases. Removes a lot of metal quick. Usually not a bad idea to call 911 and have them on their way before using this tool to minimize blood loss.

Wire welder: Device that dispenses wire, sometimes with sparks.

Zip ties: Almost as good as duct tape, don't last well on an exhaust system.

Sears/Craftsman Tool Catalog: Let your imagination run wild.

B D R
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