Texas Chili Contest - BMW Luxury Touring Community
 
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post #1 of 10 Old Jan 24th, 2006, 11:31 pm Thread Starter
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Texas Chili Contest

Chili Contest


CHILI CONTEST These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.

Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestine?s are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: ?Ho hum?, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Bill Hanna
Syracuse, NY
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Oh alright. . .I'll ride next to the Harley this time!
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post #2 of 10 Old Jan 25th, 2006, 6:29 am
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Thumbs up Texas Chili

Great stuff, keep it coming!

Regards,
duckster1
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post #3 of 10 Old Jan 25th, 2006, 7:40 pm
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OH MY GOWD!!!!


I am seriously laughing my arse off, tears rolling down my cheeks!!!


Most excellent.

Can I spread it around, and do you have attribution for the author?

tnx for the laugh,

J.

Jason
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post #4 of 10 Old Jan 25th, 2006, 7:48 pm
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I guess Frank doesn't like a good bowl of chili.


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post #5 of 10 Old Jan 25th, 2006, 8:03 pm
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Classic
LMAO

Just Go
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post #6 of 10 Old Jan 25th, 2006, 8:15 pm
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bmwjason
OH MY GOWD!!!!


I am seriously laughing my arse off, tears rolling down my cheeks!!!


Most excellent.

Can I spread it around, and do you have attribution for the author?

tnx for the laugh,

J.
Hey, Jason --- thass ed zachery what I did when I first read this joke back in the 'yahootie' days. Bruce Yates posted it first, I believe, and I happened to read it when everythang wuz going great that day and like you, I had mega tears. Dang near had 'em again, just now!!!

BTW - Bruce is known around these parts as the *Hot Sauce Connoisseur*, so it wuz appropo that he threw this joke at the list. Since then, he's been entertaining the folks at CCR by providing a bottle of special made hot sauce for each attendee's arrival package, as his contribution toward the thangs that folks take back home in the way of memories and camaraderie, and event souvenirs.
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post #7 of 10 Old Jan 26th, 2006, 12:25 am Thread Starter
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Texas chili

Quote:
Originally Posted by bmwjason
OH MY GOWD!!!!


I am seriously laughing my arse off, tears rolling down my cheeks!!!


Most excellent.

Can I spread it around, and do you have attribution for the author?

tnx for the laugh,

J.
Go fer it! I have no attribution nor subtrifusion for the author. Trust me, it was made to be passed along. !

Bill Hanna
Syracuse, NY
'01 K1200LT (mauve) traded
'04 K1200LT (Black Mariah) traded
'05 (Graphite)
Oh alright. . .I'll ride next to the Harley this time!
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post #8 of 10 Old Feb 20th, 2006, 10:45 am
 
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Talking Chili Judge

My DH and I made the mistake of volunteering to be judges for a BBQ and Chili contest one time.

I can sympathize with Frank , but we didn't get beer between tastings, we got water and crackers - which didn't put the fire out properly.

We've never volunteered again - don't think our insides would last that long.

Beady
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post #9 of 10 Old May 29th, 2013, 12:32 pm
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Re: Texas Chili Contest


Jeff
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post #10 of 10 Old May 29th, 2013, 2:12 pm
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Re: Texas Chili Contest



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