Old people jokes - BMW Luxury Touring Community
 
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post #1 of 8 Old Apr 23rd, 2016, 10:56 am Thread Starter
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Old people jokes

So I Googled "old people jokes"....

Here are a few of the hits:

Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger.
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post #2 of 8 Old Apr 23rd, 2016, 2:10 pm
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Re: Old people jokes

Charlie why do you think the majority of our members would appreciate old folks jokes. I still can do what I did when I was young, wear a diaper, eat food from a blender, fall down a lot and my wife/mother drops me off at daycare on her way to work.

Some more old fart jokes:

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”


When a soldier came to the 
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an 
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination 
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was 
I in there for?”


While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

“It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”




A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”




She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, “You know what kills me … ?”

Smiling, Mark teased, “Apparently nothing.”




Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!


The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."

Scott
2007 LT
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post #3 of 8 Old Apr 23rd, 2016, 2:40 pm
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Re: Old people jokes

Sitting at the bar the old man asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex over sixty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "You old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

The bartender heard their conversation, he thinks to himself, "I've got to keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he secretly follows them around back.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his pants. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the barkeep has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The barkeep is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. He sneaks back into the bar to await their return.

Once back at the bar, he asks "Excuse me but I couldn't help but notice your passionate love making out back on the fence. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "SIXTY YEARS AGO, THAT WASN'T AN ELECTRIC FENCE!!!"
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post #4 of 8 Old Apr 23rd, 2016, 5:09 pm
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Re: Old people jokes

George, an elderly man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the sons of bitches!" Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available.

Just Go
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2019 K1600b Grand America, Blue Max.
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post #5 of 8 Old Apr 23rd, 2016, 5:12 pm
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Re: Old people jokes

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like s**t."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Just Go
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post #6 of 8 Old Apr 26th, 2016, 9:42 am
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Re: Old people jokes

Thanks, guys!

Benny C. (Central Texas)
2001 LTC Pacific Blue (Babe...the blue ox)
1986 Kawasaki Concours (Connie) sold
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post #7 of 8 Old Aug 1st, 2017, 4:38 am
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Re: Old people jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieVT View Post
So I Googled "old people jokes"....

Here are a few of the hits:

Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger.
Nice one.
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post #8 of 8 Old Aug 5th, 2017, 12:57 pm
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Talking Re: Old people jokes

You know you are old when you and your teeth no longer sleep together...

A 70 year old man visits a lady of the night.
She sends him to the bathroom after handing him a condom.
He comes out a few minutes later wearing the condom, and with a clothespin on his nose.
He sees her puzzled look and explains: Honey, I just don't like the smell of burning rubber!

Gilles & Kathy
BMWMOA# 154719
IBA# 71594
2011 Ostra Gray RT
06 Mercedes-Benz E350 Estate (parts and people hauler)
2012 BMW X3 (parts and people hauler)
86 Porsche 911 Cabriolet (my "new" baby)



For her I climbed the highest mountain!
For her I swam across the deepest ocean!
For her I walked through the largest desert!
And then she left me... She said I was never home!!!


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