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Beer Guide

1K views 1 reply 2 participants last post by  mwnahas 
#1 ·
Beer Guide, how many of these have happened to you?


SYMPTOM
1. CAUSE
2. CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet
1. Glass being held at incorrect angle
2. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet
1. Improper Bladder Control
2. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless
1. Glass empty.
2. You're holding a Bud Lite Get someone to buy you another beer


Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
1. You have fallen over backward.
2. Have yourself lashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
1. You have fallen forward See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
1. Mouth not open
2. Glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred
1. You are looking through bottom of empty glass
2. Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving
1. You are being carried out
2. Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark
1. Bar has closed
2. Confirm home address with bartender. If staff have gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run!

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
1. Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
2. Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles
1. You are dancing on the table
2. Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear
1. It's water!
2. Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
1. You're in the ladies' room Do not use urinal!
2. Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers


Face hurts, stinging a little...
1. You just had the shit slapped out of you for saying something really stupid!
2. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
1. You've wandered into the wrong party
2. See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
1. You're in jail
2. You're in the navy Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
1. You're in a gay bar
2. Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for back rubs

Your singing sounds distorted
1. The beer is too weak
2. Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song
1. Beer is just right
2. Play air guitar
 
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