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post #1 of 31 Old Sep 21st, 2014, 2:01 pm Thread Starter
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Somebody, tell a joke.

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post #2 of 31 Old Sep 21st, 2014, 7:42 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a motorcycle in there!”

Just Go
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post #3 of 31 Old Sep 21st, 2014, 10:47 pm
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Talking Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Results from a poll in France where the question was: What do you do after sex?
85% replied: I go back home!

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post #4 of 31 Old Sep 23rd, 2014, 1:10 pm
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Talking Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

A beachfront restaurant owner is doing great business during Summer, and his wait staff, Jack and Jill, are very busy and make great tips.
Alas comes Fall and business is declining and the owner need to get rid of half his wait staff.
His greatest dilemma was "Should I lay Jill or Jack off?"

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For her I climbed the highest mountain!
For her I swam across the deepest ocean!
For her I walked through the largest desert!
And then she left me... She said I was never home!!!


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post #5 of 31 Old Sep 23rd, 2014, 1:36 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

It was the seventh game of the World Series, and the National league was putting up their best pitcher, Milt Fayemee, to win the series for them. He was unbeaten all year, 24-0, and had already won two of the Series games. He pitches in the bottom of the first inning and strikes out three straight batters. Feeling really good about himself, he starts celebrating early by drinking beer. He does this for eight innings, strike out three, then drink beer. At the bottom of the ninth, tied up 0-0, he starts feeling the effects of all that beer, and walks four straight batters, the American league wins the series. When being interviewed in the winners' locker room, the news people were asking them "How did you beat Milt Fayemee? Do you think it was the beer? And what kind of beer was it?" The team answered " Oh, that's the beer that made Milt Fayemee walk us!"

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post #6 of 31 Old Sep 23rd, 2014, 1:42 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Jake & Sally met in a small town H/school...got married, moved away..to a big city, were fairly successful, had two kids.

Now in their late 80's they decide to move back to the town in which they met. Even bought the house Sally grew up in. So one day they decide to visit the old H/school. Walking home an armored car past, the back door flew open & out dropped a bag of money......fifty thousand dollars!!! Jake says we gotta return it...Sally says hell no ! finders keepers...and takes the money upstairs.

Next day the police knock n the door , and ask if the couple had found a bag of money ? Jake says ...yes we did she put it upstairs....Sally says ...don't pay him any mind he , he's gone senile . So the police take Jake aside & ask him exactly what happened ?............He says well yesterday we were walking home from school and.......one cop looked at the other and said.....we're outta here....
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post #7 of 31 Old Sep 23rd, 2014, 4:53 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Congress.


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post #8 of 31 Old Sep 23rd, 2014, 4:55 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Three Irish guys walk past a bar.


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post #9 of 31 Old Sep 23rd, 2014, 4:56 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Three Irish guys walk out of a bar.


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post #10 of 31 Old Sep 23rd, 2014, 6:02 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Two ole boys walking down the sidewalk...pass a house & on the porch sits a big ole Rottweiler lickin' his private parts ....one ole boy says ...damn!...wish I could do that...second ole boy says....ya better pet him first...
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post #11 of 31 Old Sep 23rd, 2014, 6:41 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Seen on a license plate frame:
Dial 911 - Make a cop come!

Gilles & Kathy
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For her I climbed the highest mountain!
For her I swam across the deepest ocean!
For her I walked through the largest desert!
And then she left me... She said I was never home!!!


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post #12 of 31 Old Sep 24th, 2014, 11:44 am
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Seen in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant:

"Flush twice, it is a long way to McDonald's"

Gilles & Kathy
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For her I climbed the highest mountain!
For her I swam across the deepest ocean!
For her I walked through the largest desert!
And then she left me... She said I was never home!!!


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post #13 of 31 Old Sep 24th, 2014, 11:45 am
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Talking Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

A man in Brazil was caught speeding on his way to work!

Gilles & Kathy
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For her I climbed the highest mountain!
For her I swam across the deepest ocean!
For her I walked through the largest desert!
And then she left me... She said I was never home!!!


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post #14 of 31 Old Sep 24th, 2014, 1:33 pm Thread Starter
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

A bear walked into a bar.
Bar tender asks: "what'll be?"
Bear says: I'll have a .................................................. ......... beer."

Bar tenders says: "Okay, a beer, but why the big pause?
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post #15 of 31 Old Sep 24th, 2014, 1:43 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Two antennas meet on a roof fall in love and are married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was fantastic!
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post #16 of 31 Old Sep 24th, 2014, 2:59 pm Thread Starter
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.



Some might say: "Stupid jokes."

If it makes you laugh, it isn't stupid, Stoopid.
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post #17 of 31 Old Sep 24th, 2014, 3:12 pm Thread Starter
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Outhouse humor

How many can remember a real out house? I mean the wooden structure, cresent moon (no pun intended) cut into the door, situated over a hole in the ground?

And who remembers the poetry written on the walls?

Here I sit,
among the vapors.
Some stupid bastard
stole the papers.
How much longer
must I linger,
before I'm forced
to use my finger?

And who knows the origin of the colloquialism: "rougher than a cob" ?

Future contributors of outhouse limericks appreciated.
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post #18 of 31 Old Sep 24th, 2014, 4:07 pm
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Re: Outhouse humor

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieVT View Post
How many can remember a real out house? I mean the wooden structure, cresent moon (no pun intended) cut into the door, situated over a hole in the ground?

And who remembers the poetry written on the walls?

Here I sit,
among the vapors.
Some stupid bastard
stole the papers.
How much longer
must I linger,
before I'm forced
to use my finger?

And who knows the origin of the colloquialism: "rougher than a cob" ?

Future contributors of outhouse limericks appreciated.

Gilles & Kathy
BMWMOA# 154719
IBA# 71594
2011 Ostra Gray RT
06 Mercedes-Benz E350 Estate (parts and people hauler)
2012 BMW X3 (parts and people hauler)
86 Porsche 911 Cabriolet (my "new" baby)



For her I climbed the highest mountain!
For her I swam across the deepest ocean!
For her I walked through the largest desert!
And then she left me... She said I was never home!!!


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post #19 of 31 Old Sep 25th, 2014, 10:25 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

A skeleton walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and sez, "Gimme a beer and a mop."

Cowboy Bob Menton
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post #20 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 5:11 am Thread Starter
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

A termite walked into a bar and asked: "Is the bar tender here?"
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post #21 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 5:12 am Thread Starter
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

A man walked into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables.

The bartender says: "You're welcome to come in, but don't start anything."
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post #22 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 8:47 am
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Just Go
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post #23 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 3:21 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a very fine restaurant.




"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai.

pm
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post #24 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 3:26 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

This one is for Gilles . . .

Two cats are swimming across a river. One's name is "One two three" and the other's name is "Un deux trois."


Who makes it across?



One two three, because Un deux trois cat sank


pm
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Ride till you can't!

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2014 The Dolomites of Italy, Alps of Switzerland & Austria and returning to Milan via the "Gold Coast" of the French Riveria.
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post #25 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 3:31 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron02LT View Post
Two ole boys walking down the sidewalk...pass a house & on the porch sits a big ole Rottweiler lickin' his private parts ....one ole boy says ...damn!...wish I could do that...second ole boy says....ya better pet him first...
I thought it was two gays, one says "I wished I could do that" and the other says "Maybe if you ask him nicely he'll let you".
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post #26 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 4:41 pm
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Re: Outhouse humor

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieVT View Post
How many can remember a real out house? I mean the wooden structure, cresent moon (no pun intended) cut into the door, situated over a hole in the ground?

And who remembers the poetry written on the walls?

Here I sit,
among the vapors.
Some stupid bastard
stole the papers.
How much longer
must I linger,
before I'm forced
to use my finger?

And who knows the origin of the colloquialism: "rougher than a cob" ?

Future contributors of outhouse limericks appreciated.
Damn, Curtis. Remember an outhouse? I remember going into the house (no electricity, by the way) to pump the water into the sink after using the outhouse.

Some of my "kinfolk" were rather rural in their homesteads. They were advanced in some ways though. Kept a set of nostril pinchers in the outhouse. Thank God for the Sears and Roebuck catalog. Never had to use the backup cob.


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post #27 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 5:22 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PMitchell View Post
This one is for Gilles . . .

Two cats are swimming across a river. One's name is "One two three" and the other's name is "Un deux trois."


Who makes it across?



One two three, because Un deux trois cat sank

I read that and thought "huh?" Then I read it aloud and said "oh, that is so bad I have to use it on someone else." Excellent

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post #28 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 7:17 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

99 percent of attorneys give all the good ones a bad name.

http://news.yahoo.com/woman-blamed-p...163031775.html

Not funny at all, but certainly "a joke".


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post #29 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 9:05 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PMitchell View Post
This one is for Gilles . . .

Two cats are swimming across a river. One's name is "One two three" and the other's name is "Un deux trois."


Who makes it across?



One two three, because Un deux trois cat sank

Thanks Paul!

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For her I climbed the highest mountain!
For her I swam across the deepest ocean!
For her I walked through the largest desert!
And then she left me... She said I was never home!!!


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post #30 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 9:08 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

2 young ladies enter the elevator. After a minute or so one whispers to the other: Don't you think it smells like cum?
The other girl blushed and said: I am so sorry... I just burped!

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For her I climbed the highest mountain!
For her I swam across the deepest ocean!
For her I walked through the largest desert!
And then she left me... She said I was never home!!!


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post #31 of 31 Old Sep 26th, 2014, 9:26 pm
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Re: Somebody, tell a joke.

What do Harleys and hound-dogs have in common?
They both love to ride in back of pick-up trucks.
Bahda-bing......
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