The Chili strikes back - BMW Luxury Touring Community
 
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post #1 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 7:53 am Thread Starter
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The Chili strikes back

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction o f the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in anoxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Jerry
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post #2 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 8:07 am
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Jerry, you have had what we in the "Bible (or is it Bile) Belt" term a Religious Experience! You run for the porcelain throne praying "Oh, God!" You sit down, but are lifted skyward by the exiting blast. After that, comes, "Thank you, Jesus."

While those about you are then having their own Religious Experience.

This actually happened at my workplace restroom one morning. I was in there on my morning constitutional, minding my own business, when a contractor came in in a big hurry. I exited stage left quickly.

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post #3 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 8:14 am
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Thats OK............I needed to clean my keyboard anyway

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post #4 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 8:35 am
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Jeeeze Jerry, you can't tell stories like that first thing in the morning, now there's coffee all over my keyboard ... desk ...and flatscreen and I can't see to clean it up because of the tears in my eyes.... I have'nt laughed that hard in a long time .

Kind of reminds me of the time when I was still working and got a quality call at the front of the plant, as I was walking down the aisle I suddenly started to release gas .. rapid fire... it sounded like a machine gun, anyway on my return there were people in the aisle fanning the air and checking all the machine coolant tanks trying to find the source. As I passed by I started to laugh and you guessed it .. it happened again. About an hour later they had plant services over there pumping out all of the coolant tanks trying to get rid of the smell

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post #5 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 9:37 am
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Reminds me of this - posted a coupla times in the past (Bruce Yates and B. Hanna, I think).

CHILI CONTEST These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.

Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestine?s are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: ?Ho hum?, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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post #6 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 11:12 am
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dick
.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
I was having a bad day now I cannot stop laughing!!

Thanks guys!

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post #7 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 11:56 am
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Jerry,

I needed that laugh. U-R-2 funny!

Reminds me of the SHART 1/2 [email protected]@ and 1/2 Fart. Definitely gonna itch when it dries.

Gonna have to repaint the store LOL

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post #8 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 12:28 pm
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Jerry I printed this one for the folks at work to read

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post #9 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 4:51 pm
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Re: The Chili strikes back

I'm still wipping the tears out of my eye's.

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post #10 of 16 Old May 1st, 2008, 6:41 pm
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Re: The Chili strikes back

That's some funny shit! I laugh every time that shows up in my e-mail...

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post #11 of 16 Old May 2nd, 2008, 12:38 am
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Smile Re: The Chili strikes back

Jerry,
Why do you do this to me? My laughing woke up the wife. Now I must explain why I was making so much noise. I can barely see because of the tears in my eyes.

Thanks, I needed a good laugh.
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post #12 of 16 Old May 2nd, 2008, 2:59 am
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Jerry I`l give you 100 points for that storry, funny as heck. I will have to email it to friends


You just went international
http://bmw.mc.no/forum/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=147

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post #13 of 16 Old May 2nd, 2008, 8:49 am
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveDragon
I'll extend your 15 minutes of infamy, I mean Fame!

http://davedragon.rilysi.com/2008/05...y-england.html
Or... "in-flame-y"

...............
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post #14 of 16 Old May 2nd, 2008, 3:22 pm
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Re: The Chili strikes back

Quote:
Originally Posted by hoog62
That's some funny shit! I laugh every time that shows up in my e-mail...
+1...never gets old. Toilet humor rules!


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post #15 of 16 Old May 2nd, 2008, 4:39 pm
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Re: The Chili strikes back

That was awesome.... Loved it because I could relate.
Had such an attack in Salem, MA once, at a downtown mall. My son waited outside and was laughing when I came out. Apparently, one after another, guys were staggering out of the washroom, gagging and retching, gasping for breath. Including one who just went in, only to run back out.
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post #16 of 16 Old May 2nd, 2008, 6:26 pm
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Re: The Chili strikes back

That is the funniest story I've ever read on the Internet!

Thanks for sharing!

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