Dick
Mar 15th, 2006, 6:41 am
Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after
downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner
and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of
the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late
realizes that there is yet another tree directly in
his path. He swerves again and discovers that his
drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing
him to veer from side to side to avoid all the
trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren
and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches
Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when
the officer stops him mid sentence and says,
"Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
******************
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub
and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender
hands them over, three flies buzz down
and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away
and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a
long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly
between his fingers and shakes him while yelling,
"Spit it out, ya little bastard! Spit it out!"
*******************************************
An Irish Fight
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy. "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "he
couldn't do that to you, he must have had something
in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well,"
says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I d
did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
******************************************
Irish Miracle
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course,
his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to
the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the
drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
holding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*********************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan)
staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few
times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no
paper on this side either.
************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says,
"So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night." The priest
says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last
requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The
priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He
said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"
downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner
and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of
the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late
realizes that there is yet another tree directly in
his path. He swerves again and discovers that his
drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing
him to veer from side to side to avoid all the
trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren
and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches
Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when
the officer stops him mid sentence and says,
"Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
******************
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub
and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender
hands them over, three flies buzz down
and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away
and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a
long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly
between his fingers and shakes him while yelling,
"Spit it out, ya little bastard! Spit it out!"
*******************************************
An Irish Fight
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy. "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "he
couldn't do that to you, he must have had something
in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well,"
says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I d
did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
******************************************
Irish Miracle
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course,
his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to
the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the
drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
holding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*********************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan)
staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few
times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no
paper on this side either.
************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says,
"So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night." The priest
says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last
requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The
priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He
said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"