axamax
Jan 22nd, 2007, 11:17 am
This year's winner is truly in a class of his own !!!!!!!!!
Darwin Awards
It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally
out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST!
Remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE
STORY.
finalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting
drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and
he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and
fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
finalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at
low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided
to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.
finalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police
say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
finalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems
that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized.
finalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power,
etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket for an object that resembled a
cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in
the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the
blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
And finally, the Winner!
Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's
Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously): The Arizona Highway
Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a
cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage
resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of
car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the
mystery. An amateur rocket scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a
JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is
used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking
off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the
desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO
unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the
operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of
approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the
scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached
maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well
in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional
20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full
afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the
event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for
about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely
melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on
the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.
However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed
from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a
ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not
actually on the ground.
Darwin Awards
It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally
out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST!
Remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE
STORY.
finalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting
drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and
he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and
fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
finalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at
low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided
to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.
finalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police
say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
finalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems
that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized.
finalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power,
etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket for an object that resembled a
cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in
the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the
blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
And finally, the Winner!
Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's
Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously): The Arizona Highway
Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a
cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage
resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of
car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the
mystery. An amateur rocket scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a
JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is
used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking
off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the
desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO
unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the
operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of
approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the
scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached
maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well
in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional
20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full
afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the
event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for
about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely
melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on
the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.
However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed
from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a
ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not
actually on the ground.